A Change

I seem to have a really hard time writting on these often lol. My brains always wondering in so many places half the time if I wrote it would be a lot of random paragraphs about the confuzing jibberish flying around in my head. These past 8 months have been the most exciting months for me in a long time. I've been on E.I as the place I worked shut down. I've been able to enjoy myself. Really makes you aware of how much working is a waste of your 1 chance to enjoy life. My money runs out half way through October and I have no idea where Im going to go... if I have to go back to retail, I may just have to hang myself lol. Thankfully right when I lost my job my boyfriend of 6 and a half years now got an excellent job, apprentice technician/electrician =D
As I said I've been able to enjoy myself more freely over the last 8 months. Relaxing and going out as I please. Im pleased to say that we now for the past 3-4 months have owned a 55" HD Plasma Flatscreen and is almost entirely payed off now. BUT funny enough we have no couch LOL how? We had a futon, it broke..we bought another..the bars broke! SO.. we are saving up for a nice sectional to go with our glorious TV. Thank god his job pays a lot. I was able to save up to get my back piece tattoo. Tattered wings with "Demon To Some, Angel To Others" written across them, a quote from the film "HellRaiser." I've wanted that saying on me since I was in early highschool. People will always judge you for whatever reason but there will always be someone that will never judge<3

To Inform

When I was walking up the stairs I met a man who wasn't there..
He wasn't there again today. I wish, I wish he'd go away..

The Oxy High

Unfortionatly due to the overwelming conditions that run in my family I was cursed with my fair share. Not to go into uncomfortable details but my uterus and ovaries do not function properly, causing severe paralyzing pain mainly during my monthly visit. Dont like knowing about this? then don't read. Piss off. 
I have chronic cysts that tent to burst on my ovaries where I've ended up in the hospital numorous times leading to heavy amounts of morphine =). Endometriosis runs on my mothers side and the doctors and I are leaning towards that being the case for me aswell. I will be getting tested for this condition(requiring minor exploritory surgery) to confirm. This condition causing crippling pain (mainly in lower back). I can honestly say I've never experienced anything more painful in my entire exsistence then my cramps. Recently I ended up in the hospital twice from the pain. I was given a new perscription painkiller to take along with the Naproxen Im currently on, which is actually a painkiller given to atheletes with severe injuries. The narcotic is Oxycodone which is just another type of Oxycotin. This apparently gives you a similar high as heroin. Now I am in no way a "for drugs" kind of person. I do not smoke, and I do not smoke weed, Oxycotin is a very serious drug. I am on this strickly because when I get the full blown pain I am curled into a fetal position clenching my stomach hyperventilating and screaming from the most brutal pain I think could ever exsist and this happens every 28 days 0_o, I've wanted to kill myself from this much pain. Doctors compare it to a long constant labour pain. So I take 2 Naproxen and 1 Oxycodone and usually I only have to take this for the first day of my period. Today was the first day trying the Oxycodone. You can feel the pain slipping away and you still feel fine.. then finally you hit the kicker. Your mind shuts off for the initial rush and you sink into a major high for about 5-10 minutes.. it feels honestly amazing. Once you come down your at a nice steady high for about 4-6 hours.

Trust me.. when you feel pain that severe.. you dont care what drug you're on as long as it makes the pain go away.

Some info on Oxycodone -

Pain relievers such as aspirin and ibuprofen work at the site of the pain to reduce irritation. Oxycodone works differently. It moves into the brain and central nervous system and binds to receptors (nerve endings) that seek pleasure-enhancing and painkilling nerotransmitters. A substance that helps spread nerve impulses from one nerve to the other. Once the brain receives the medicine's message in its receptors, the patient no longer feels the pain. The condition causing the pain does not change, but the patient relaxes and the sensation of the pain is gone.
Taken as directed, oxycodone-containing medicines generally cause few side effects.
When oxycodone painkillers are abused, their effects are similar to the heroin high. This is because each extended-release dose of oxycodone contains a large amount of the drug. It is designed to be taken slowly, not to flood the body all at once. When crushed and eaten, snorted, or injected, a high dose of oxycodone floods the body and causes a rush of euphoria. The drug literally overwhelms all of the brain's receptors that search for endorphins. A group of naturally occuring substances in the body that relieve pain and promote a sense of well being. (molecules that act to relieve pain and to produce drowsiness). The user feels free of pain, anxiety, and unhappiness. After a few minutes of this intense euphoria, the user settles into a longer period of general pleasurable drowsiness and a dreamlike state.
While this drug can be safe and effective if used PROPERLY(perscription from doctor!) This drug can be extremely dangerous and it only takes one time to abuse it and lead to your death! Please do not abuse medication.. you only get one life, dont risk it. I'm not going to lie, this high is amazing and Im enjoying every minute of it, almost the sensation of floating and it puts your mind at such ease. Me being full of anxiety and tension this really calms your thoughts. And I float off ..at least for a few hours..

Celler Door

"Suddenly there came a tapping,  as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door..."

When moments of pure reality kick in, or is that insanity? Do you let your mind sweep you away. The doors open and you stumble down onto the darkened cobblestones only to lead you forward, deeper into your unknown. What awaits us? What is there to find? If you could get lost inside do you think you'd ever find your way back out? I often pounder my thoughts. I sit and I think, about nothing inparticular.

A chronic day dreamer, to get lost in myself. Is our dreams reality and when we are awake is this the fake? Maybe our dreams are simply another realm. I would gladly get lost in my dreams but of course, we always have to wake up.. dont we?

The Uncertainty

The uncertainty of can be overwelming and enough to break down into a pit of insanity. I've often wondered why life has to be so difficult. And those who beat you down for believing so are usually the brainiacs who have it so easy or a payed education for them. When offered this life it is not handed out evenly with a set amount of skills for everyone, unfortionatly. We are not all made for hard labour, retail and many of us are not "college material" so to speak. When I think about my future I become completely conflicked, lost and angered as my mind wanders too much into itself. What do I want to be? Who will I become? What do I have to offer? Will I make a difference? All these questions we all share and they battle in our minds fighting for the answers. But I've always known who I was, to be honest, I guess not many people can say that or so I've noticed. I've always felt the same way about everything, always believed in the same things, liked the same things though people around me seem to constantly change. It confuses me, were they not themselves before? A phase? Which is human and everyone goes through phases but the degree in which some people go through apsolutely amazes me. A complete 360. People keep waiting for me to change, family and friends asking, "you still in that "goth phase?" very unjust and stereotypical question indeed. But I've never considered myself anything other then just me. And of course this makes you get bitched at because apparently I'm not liking what a "goth" should like, well excuse me. I guess I forgot to read the brochure. How can you do that? Break a person down into a box? Is that even possible? If so, wow aren't we the simple minded..

Break The Seal

Sometimes is it better to stay lost then find your way back home to the roots of your battered past? So where shall I begin? My name is kristen, I'm 22 and still creating myself. Highschool graduate with high marks in English and art. Failing grades in math and about every other subject. Never had thoughts about going to college as I don't find school is for me. I had a hard enough time dealing with authority then, so by now I doubt its improved. With a background of no money I wasn't really excited about paying off a student loan until I was 45. The goveronment takes too much already, no need to add to this interest. Everything I ever wanted to do didnt really require schooling and everything I want to do is more a hobby so that might be out the window. I would love to write for a living, but what I want to write. Not the bore that is smashed into our faces everyday. I would love to draw and create works of art. Now you may say you can go to school for that. Yes you can but the odds of this schooling adding to me getting anywhere in art is slim to none as art is the least feild out their requiring people. I would love to run a small animal rescue and who know, I might help one someday, this is a possibility. I refuse to live and die in retail with all the mindless zombies slaving to push the machines of society. I was born in Pembroke Ontario and I moved to Arnprior around 4 or 5. Lived out my life there until I was about 19 and then I moved back to Pembroke with my boyfriend for a change of scenery. I never fit in in school, yet I never had it bad either. Luckely when you make friends with the preps in kindergarden that bond always sticks. I was picked on a bit during the beginning of school but that shortly stopped seeing as I'd rather go down fighting then let anyone talk to me in such a manner. Bullies on average are all talk and no action, you show any sign of fighting back and they seem to cave. So I assume I was just made fun of behind my back after that. I have a very broad heritage, I'm English, German, French, Native, Polish and Italian.