New Years Goals For 2013

Well if I'm going to be honest 2012 was not my best year. In fact nothing was really accomplished and I had a lot of issues to get through. Money was tight and I was often bored out of my mind. I refuse to let 2013 go down the same way. I'm tired of taking things for granted and then getting mad at myself when I do.
The truth is that I'm still pretty much lost with what I want to do with my life. Everyone's in school and working towards a career but you see.. I enjoy nothing enough to do it for the rest of my life. Even what I love if I do it everyday I begin to hate it, so how am I ever suppose to know what I want? But I guess one day at a time. I knew from a young age that I was never going to be the "9 to 5 type" Get up and be a robot and repeat the process.. it's just not my style. Tried for 3 years and I was miserable, so I guess that feeling of never wanting that to happen again, the fear of it constantly makes me uneasy. But I did set myself some simple goals that I hope to achieve this year.

Number 1: Move to the city

 I've never lived in the city before, and it's strange because the city would actually fit my personality perfectly. But you see I have severe generalized anxiety disorder. I lived in a small town all my life and then at the age of 19 I moved to a larger town just shy of being a very small city. But I can't grow as a person here anymore. And I want to met knew people, I want to get out and enjoy myself. I want to experience the new, I want a better job, I want connections and I want to get my talent and art out into the world. So, city here I come.

Number 2: Paint more

I've been severely lacking in my drawing and painting these last few years. The truth is I just have a hard time staying on task. But I can't get better if I don't continue. So my mission is to more frequently paint. My goal? To become the most talented painter at realism that I can push myself to be and to increase my overall ability to create. 

Number 3: Getting in Shape

Since this picture I've become even more in shape. In total I've lost about 25 pounds. I went from around 160 to 136 pounds and I did it very slowly to get into an eating habit and keep the weight off. In all honesty it wasn't hard at all. You don't realize how much pop, bits of junk food and snacking when bored packs on the pounds. I eat cleaner now and plan on permanently continuing this. I eat less processed food, little to no pop, much less junk food, less sugar and tons more fruits and veggies. I'll be getting a gym membership, many people say they will and never do. But I truly want to its just a matter of coming up with the money lol. Most importantly I don't just want to be leaner, I want to be strong, I want muscle, I want to be actually physically healthy and strong; and I will!

Number 4: Get Better in Relationships of all kinds

I've never been a big people person. Most of the time I feel extremely awkward around people, even people I know well. Although I know this is my personality and some things never change, I want to improve. I want to get out with people more and spend time with them. I have a hard time letting people in, and I don't trust, ever but I want to get more connected with people or at least as much as I can become connected lol honestly it feels odd bonding with people. And I want to continue loving my partner and keeping each other happy.

Number 5: Get My Modeling and Makeup Portfolio Out Into The World

For years now I've loved to model and do makeup. I love eccentric alternative fashion and heavy over the top makeup and I want to take it to the next level.

Number 6: Laugh and Smile More

Never Ending Sleep

My energy lever has been severely lacking lately. I've tryed every vitamin that contributes to fatigue, regular exercise, I get 8 hours of sleep. All I can think of is my anxiety. I was born with severe generalized anxiety disorder, its a battle and interferes with my day to day life. Medications don't work, or at least none that I have tryed. I'm tired of feeling tired, I'm tired of sleeping 8-9 hours and walking up feeling like I need another 12. I have never in my life woken up from sleep feeling refreshed and full of energy.. ever. I'm also started to wake up with a lot of upper back and neck pain. I have no idea how to fix this.. I can't afford a new mattress. So I live with it, dealing with the chronically heavy eye lids and the feeling of sleep deprivation coming in and out. I hope that one day I can figure this out and one day I'll know what its like to wake up feeling refreshed...

These Moments

Cloudy out today which I love. Went for a walk down to the Riverside Park and took the forest trails along the water. Went to my favourite spot along the path, a broken down mangled dock with cement beams hanging over the edge. Stopped and sat their by myself. Stared out into the water for a while. Sat their with my eyes closed and my head up.
The wind was strong and was blowing hard on my face but it was refreshing. The sound of nothing but the leaves and trees rustling, the waves as they roll in hitting land. It started to spit rain. I set there with my eyes closed, head up into the wind and the faint rain hitting against my face, nothing else matters in those moments. You feel one with the earth, you know peace, you know what matters.
Its the little things and the moments of utter peace that nothing in our chaotic lives can give us.

Battle Field

I'm so terrible at keeping up with my blog. Maybe I feel I have nothing of worth to say, maybe its laziness, I'm not really sure. Maybe a bit of both. Sometimes I feel I think too much and by the end of each day my thoughts make my head pound and try to seep out of my ears, painful infection. By this time I don't want to burden my mind with going back over the endless frustrating thoughts that run my mind like a battle field.

The Snow is Here and Christmas Has Come

We didnt receive snow this Christmas until nearly a week before, very odd indeed. Snow usually hits us very early, near the end of October to mid november. So far this winter has been very mild so Im not complaining. But indeed damp and this has not been good for my joints. Right now Id say we are getting the most snow, its snowing like crazy as I type this, beautiful night out, the snow is glowing. I've got nice winter boots this time around so my feet are always toasty warm. As for a coat Im not a fan of big and bulky so it can be a bit chilly. I bought an awsome hat, tiger striped and furry. It has cat ears and has long sides with mittens attached = epicness :) The night tonight:

This Christmas seemed much better then last although I didnt get as much time with the family. Not that I really enjoy family gatherings as it can be awkward but it was nice to get out. Christmas eve dinner at my grandmas and Christmas day eve was dinner at my aunts.

Presents are always nice. I dont often get things and although it wouldnt bother be to receive nothing at all, it is always nice. My boyfriend got my a new camera which I desperetly wanted. 16.2 mega pixels and in full HD so its a kick as camera. I however am still saving up to get Malcolm his gift as money is in short suply for me right now. My mother got me a new sweater, a through blanket, a few nice t-shirts, some new makeup, some more polymer clay for my homemade jewelry I make. I then ofcourse recieved a few things from other family members, gift card, money and many chocolates lol.

I ended up purchasing 2 new sets of earrings as I havent bought new earrings in an extremely long time. They are false plugs as my ears are not stretched - by choice. Personally I think stretched ears look so gross. Im fine if you have them, Im just never doing that to mine. Not a fan of dangly ear lobes. I have 14 ear piercings as it is, I enjoy a million piercings on my ears instead. The first set is a pair of brass knuckles and the second set is a pair of stars with jewels around them.

So overall the holidays were pretty good. Yesturday some of our friends stopped by pretty much randomly and we all got drunk and had a nice time lol. There has been much drunkeness this time of year, isnt there always? Now for the epic drunkeness on new years which by the way we have still no idea what we are doing and live near no one, so we shall have to see what happens.

Halloween

One of my favourite times of the year. A time when everything I enjoy is part of the celebration. I miss trick or treating, so many fun memories, candy and movies. The weekend of halloween was spent in Ottawa at a friends house. It was quite fun but all the walking was a killer. She doesnt live right down town so its constant walking and bus rides = annoying lol. Friday we went out for supper, saturday we spent some of the day walking around downtown and then we went to the club that night - halloween themed of course. I picked up some awsome white contacts and some custom vampire teeth.

It was cold so the walking at night was a killer but thankfully saturday was actually kinda nice. Of course I like cold weather so the only killer was sleeping at their house, its awkwardly warm in there.. kinda reminded me of a sauna - it was humid. I like recycling the air in the house, not living off the stale air.

I personally would have partied a lot harder but not many of them were really up to it but all in all it was a good visit.

Bring On The Fall and Good News

With summer finally coming to its end we have been able to enjoy the outdoors. The AC finally off and the open windows bringing in the refreshing cool breeze; how I've missed it. However with the cold coming on this also means snow is not far behind and although the winter is very beautiful the cold around here is a bit extreme. Without working, this year has gone by so fast, it really puts things into perspective.
Quite a bit of news I have gathered recently to share. The first is that my best friend Sarah is now engaged to her long time boyfriend, Craig. They are planning to have the wedding in the winter of 2013, January I believe. Whats exciting is that Sarah made me the maid of honor lol I feel special =) and I've never been in a wedding before. The engagement party will be late this October and held in Arnprior. Sarah's parents are thrilled - well atleast she said her father was but Craigs parents are not as like minded. His parents to me have always come off a bit like a wealthy stuck up family. It seems that because Craig was their last born he's like their baby and I've talked to Sarah about this aswell and we think they are the type of people that look down on people that don't make as much money and Sarah's family makes no where near what they make. None the less they will have to deal and be happy for their son or simply waste their lives with hatred and stay bitter. Either way the wedding will go on.

                                   Older picture of Sarah and I at our old apartment.

So the Engagement party will be next month the day before halloween. Sarah said they are contemplating going out for chinese and then going back to her grandma's because she has a large yard to set up a gathering outside.

So on another interesting note, this saturday I'm heading to Carp for a friends surprise birthday party. It will be nice to get out of arnprior and hang out with some friends. Im not a huge fan of sleeping at others houses as I ALWAYS get horrible sleep but we shall see how it goes. I believe Malcolm and I are getting the only other matteress lol. I really hope anyway. I've never been to their new apartment, the only kinda crappy thing is that its probably all males.. except his girlfriend. That many boys are very boring to hang around if they are mainly into video games.. which they are *shutters*. So I will just have to stay drunk enough to keep myself entertained lol. But who knows maybe we wont do too much of the games this time, we dont always do but... when we go to some of the other guys houses its watching video games being played for 8 hours... omg simple minded much? I need some fucking stimulation lol. It will be nice going somewhere other then our house though. Mainly they come up here and its hard when your down stairs neighbour is a complete cunt.